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flee now or left behind?

im afraid of myself. its not you its me. leave now when you still have the chance. i am a pessimist. an avid pessimist. that one thing you can't change about me. i will only can make you broken. and i don't know how to fix em. afraid of myself. am afraid of myself.

hope, for hope there's life

i really wanna let you read what i blogged right now. hmm, i hope one day you'd stumbled upon this entry. specifically this day entry only. no less.

for this once,

can i just concentrate on my paper tomorrow? everything is so fucked up that i wanna shut the world down tonight. but i cant, thinking of my exam tomorrow.

IN THE END,

i couldn't care less.

promise is promise.

once there is a boy who promised a girl that he always be there for her. through thick and thin. stay with her. always be there to cheer her up on her 'mood swing' day. to keep on whispering positive thought in her when the negative part in her brain is activated. well, to cut stories short, promises is meant to be broken. one day, the girl break down and started to be engulfed with negative thought. the girl started to talk nonsense. things she never meant at all. (well as she tell me, there is a little truth on what she says to boy but whatever,) the girl told me maybe at that time, the boy is too tired of the girl. too tired. annoyed maybe. then that's the end of their stories. sad, but it was true story. 

p/s: the boy had promised her! but i guess it is true, very true indeed. a promise is meant to be broken. 

Like A Knife

I dream a lot, I know you say
I've got to get away.
"The world is not yours for the taking"
Is all you ever say.
I know I'm not the best for you,
But promise that you'll stay.
Cause if I watch you go,
You'll see me wasting, you'll see me wasting away

Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.

Goodbyes are meant for lonely people standing in the rain
And no matter where I go it's always pouring all the same.
These streets are filled with memories
Both perfect and in pain
And all I wanna do is love you
But I'm the only one to blame.
Cause today, you walked out of my life
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I'm not living this life.

But what do I know, if you're leaving
All you did was stop the bleeding.
But these scars will stay forever,
These scars will stay forever
And these words they have no meaning
If we cannot find the feeling
That we held on to together
Try your hardest to remember

Stay with me,
Or watch me bleed,
I need you just to breathe.

Cause today, you walked out of my life
Stay with me, or watch me bleed
Cause today, your words felt like a knife
I need you just to breathe.
I'm not living this life

and i began to understand,

leaves are falling,
water evaporates to thin air,
playground abandon, 
seasons changed, 
everything changed.

those little eyes has become all grown up,
those little feet that once running carefree; as if the world is their playground,
is now safely tucked in their big black shiny leather shoes,
in their 6 inch heels,
waiting in the streetwalk,
waiting for a miracle to happen.

fear is what we should feel, 
cause the world is cruel,
for the world is full of fool,
who cannot even distinguished right and wrong.

hello there :3

silly me is silly. i dont know why. is it because im too blind to see or what. not that i dont know. but the fact that im too stubborn and idiot makes me the one who cried the most. always me who's going to hurt. i cant blame anyone. at least i tried, show some effort. if you ask what had happened, i wont tell you. god, hell no im going to tell you in public. and nope belle mademoiselle, this is not about my love story. no, urmm, what i meant is this is not about my current love story. this is about waaaaay-long-time ago. 2 years back, when i was in SMESH. the first time i laid my eyes upon him. he's not that handsome or what, but he has his own charming and compelling side. compelled me to l like him, to love him.

i cant say how i like him actually, its complicated. i cant breath, cant sleep, ever wondering what he felt about me. did he liked me as i always like him, etc etc. as simple as that, he catches my attention. suddenly all my world revolved around him only. that special feelings i get when i catch his eye, when we were in the same group, when he respond to my requests, etc etc. its a feeling i cant describe. happy but at the same time depressed. always constantly watching out for the signs. its amazing how he affect my life. a big standing ovation id give him for making me so vulnerable like never before. 

and as times goes by, my feelings towards him deepens. waiting for him to say those three words, making me looks like a fool. i am a fool after all. that is why i ended up posting this entry. no point in continuing, just stop already. cause i'm don't worth your time. cause in the end, you ended up with somebody else also. cause in the end, i am the only fool. foolish long enough to ever thought that someday you might ended up liking me. guess i'm not up to your standard. bye then. this is a permanent goodbye. last entry about you. bye Mr. F. you no longer in my heart. hopefully.